Within Myself

It feels like I'm floating,

and leaving behind a paperless trail.

My spirit is crying out 'to each it's own'

as it departs from my body.

My mind is stuck in the space between

everywhere and nowhere at all,

My tongue throbs from all the words left unsaid.

My throat burns from all the shouting.

I plant my hands hard against my ears

but I can still read your lips

so I close my eyes aswell.

It feels like I'm always alone,

because everyone just stares at my hollow body.

You ask me what my love language is

I don't have one.

You ask me if I love you,

and I say I do without a problem

because the problem isn't that I'm unable to confess my love

the problem is that I choke whenever I try to swallow yours.

It feels like there's a clock wrapped tightly around my throat,

but I'm pretty sure my hands strangle me tighter.

I'm walking on an ocean of forgotten promises,

and basking in the white sunlight of your lies.

I'm on the edge of perfection

yet jagged pieces of each of my frustrations find a way across my wrists.

It feels like its all my fault,

even though the blame isn't mine.

My hatred burns brighter than your love ever did.

Your hugs burn my skin

but I don't try to settle the fire,

that is why my arms rests by my sides.

It feels like what I feel

can never,

will never,

 measure up to even a grain of the answer you're looking for.

So I nod my head, swallow my tongue,

and stand there waiting for my emotions 

and thoughts to be in agreement.

I slip out of my body

 and allow my spirit to shout out every vulgar profanity.

Fuck You

The Duff

If you speak to any of my friends they'll happily tell you how I wasted my breath ranting about how The Duff was going to be so stupid. From looking at the previews only about twice but seeing who the actors were I easily made assumptions about how this movie was going to be another cliche teenage movie. It sorta was... but at the same time it wasn't.

The main character Bianca is played by the actress Mae Whitman. Bianca is your average highschool Senior from our day and age. She has an idgaf attitude, a healthy body (meanig she actually consumes foods), and an obsession with zombies. Bianca also has a sharp tongue like a lot of teenagers nowadays. When she was first introduced on the screen I was instantly drawn in. I loved all the quirky thinks about her and how it was incredibly easy to relate. 

I don't want to spoil the movie because this isn't exactly a true movie review. I'm not recommending this movie to anyone because I actually don't care. However, I am trying to put the thought that sparked from this movie into words. Now Bianca has a hot next door neighbor. He's a smart, quirk, jock but also an a-hole because who would want to watch a movie with absolutely perfect characters.
Then we have your typical, and yes cliche queen bee of highschool. Correct me if I'm wrong but there isn't just one head biotch that rules an entire school. This doesn't happen - atleast not at my school, since my highschool is a charter school. Anyways but this girl lives with the idea that there is no life after highschool and wants nothing more than a silly homecoming crown. She's also mean to Bianca and really has no backstory whatsoever,

Now let me tell you about Bianca's two bestfriends from where this movie actually stems from. Bianca's friends are hot. Atleast that's what every guy in her school thinks. They see Bianca's two friends as absolutely gorgeous and they see Bianca as the simple approachable one that you usually have to go through in order to get to the prize. This makes Bianca a Duff. An Unhappy one if I do say so myself.

Anyways I'm not going to go inot detail because as I said see the movie yourself if you care. But what I am going to say is that Bianca makes something of being a Duff. No she does not wear the label as the badge - because have you not realized that labels are so overrated. Instead Bianca decides to make a label of herself. She makes herself as presentable as her personality. She changes her reality.

That's what I want to talk about. Changing your personality... Gaining confidence...deciding your future. I'm absolutely clueless when it comes to things like that. I'm not saying thatt I don't have an idea of what I want my life to turn out to be. I do. I know exactly what I have planned for me.. but  what I can't seem to do for myself is the whole internal part. I don't know how to be confident. I don't know how to handle my emotions. I know I have time to figure all these things out... but whatever I find it helpful and inspiring when I watch films, and read book about characters who do more...

- Ony

Maybe ... Just Maybe I Enjoy My Sadness

The title seems just completely insane! Who would enjoy sadness... who would crave that euphoric feeling of self-loathing? Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe some doctor needs to take a microscope to my brain.. but I miss it.

I miss being depressed and spending all my time on tumblr looking at pathetic quotes. Maybe I enjoyed being locked up inside myself... suffocating, slowly drifting away. I miss listening to Screamo and really feeling it ...

Or maybe.

Just maybe I miss him.

I miss that stupid sad boy I spent months with. That one guy who understood my pain for all its complexity and then some. I miss him so much! I'd take my sadness, pain, depression, self-inflicted wounds just to have a real conversation with him again. He's not dead... but he's gone. With time even good things go away. So what if.

Just throwing this out there.

What if I went back there ... and found him again. Found the only boy my soul truly craves for right about now..

Kiss me hard on my lips.

Not a soft sultry peck,

But a kiss that swoops in a takes my existence away.

But don't touch me

Because I can't trust who I am right now.

I know I want you.

I want you for all that you are.

I want you baggage, 

Packed away and sent to my doorstep

If that's what it takes to be with you.

But don't touch me.

Because I can't trust who I am right now.

I don't even truly feel that way.

I don;t really need you to help me survive.

I don;t need to take in every word you say

And I definetly don't crave your hugs

Like I crave worrying over everything you are

So don't touch me

Because I wan't to be alone

Why is it that time decides?

Why does it make the last call

On who I want to be

Who I have to be

What I get to do

And whether or not I'll be able to spend some time with you

So don't touch me 

Because I need to be alone.

It's like your everywhere

You stamped your existence on everything that's left

I know you had to have left something behind

It;s not just me

I'm not the only one feeling this way

Or am I?

So just don't touch me

Because I have to move on

I like poems that rhyme ...

that didn't it was just a spur of emotions coming together and forming sentences

It;s a bit rubbish,,,

And Messy

But it;s make sense because that's sort of how I'm feeling right now;

I think

I'm really not sure about what this post means... and i think i might just be okay with that

I'm trying to come back... but let's see how long that'll last

Hello! If any of my followers have been here around for awhile actually paying attention to my posts then that means you read my New Years Resolution post where I had goals to get this blog going places... then I sort of vanished about 5 posts later.

Excuses:
Uh, School :/
Uhm, let's also blame my amazing social life.

When really I was just unencouraged to be a person of the web, but as the title says I'm trying to come back. This time I'll put in real effort :p

Follow me on ;

Twitter - @LarryZiallPayne

Tumblr - larryziallpayner

Instagram - Smileyface_ony

Wattpad - Smileyface_Ony

I should want to be more like my mother, not the opposite.

Today I spent time with my Mom. I actually stood next to her and felt, maybe that I belonged there. MY mother and I are estranged, but neither of us want to admit it. She gives me looks that make me swallow my pride and shiver from the wave of disappointment her eyes shone on me.
My mom is very independent, she keeps to herself emotionally. A bit blocked off and I honestly don't think she enjoys getting deep down and mushy, she's not really good at it. I get that trait from her. I'm more quite than loud. I can spend days alone, that doesn't mean I won't be miserable and going on Omegle with my common interest as 'lonely' though. ( Hellllooo, Perves) I enjoy the night, like right now writing unexpectedly . . .
My mom is ambitious. She starts more projects than she can complete, and she aims higher than you can see. I definitely get that from her. It's a trait I come to love along with bossiness.
Another point to make is my mom is a confident christian woman. She has her days, however where i grit my teeth when she spews curse words. But my mother keeps her held high and quotes bible verses, something I've come to love, and hate.

My mom and I being so alike, usually don't see eye-to-eye as I'm sporting into my teen years. Ut today as I was walking beside her tonight doing leisure exercise. She spoke and said somethings that hit home. Like she took off her mask for a moment and I was compelled to respond. To cry, and tell her my pain. Tell how glad I was to see the maternal side of her. But I'm not confident, and I din't want to see one of my Mother's looks as I started crying. I also didn't want to cringe when my mom says all the wrong things.
I have to see that my mom is human just like me. That she doesn't have a built in manual of being perfect. God, how I wish she did, though.

She holds her head up high,

It's tilting to the sky,

I'm certain she doesn't see me,

I happen to be a bit too far behind.

I often find her looking at me,

looking through me,

beneath me,

above me,

all around me,

but she doesn't see anything,

I think.

She can hold my hand,

grasp my shoulders,

I hope she'll do it now,

not when I'm older.

She'll say the wrong things,

I'm destined to be,

She say what she wants to say,

because she's above me.

I'm trying to catch up,

but she's walking to fast,

setting a brisk pace,

does she know I might not last?

I'm identical to her,

yet so apart.

I want her to hold me close,

closer to her heart.

I need to be able to open,

open up to sound,

However,

What shall I say that can please ' the frown '

I'm going to wrap this all up,

just say what the what,

this pains for another day,

the sorrow can say goodbye,

I want to just be with my mother,

no matter how shy,

no matter how closed,

disappointed,

ejected,

and severed.

This will not be the end because my Mother and I are severed.

Smiley Face,

Ony

BUild GOd, Then We'll Talk - what-do-you-mean!?

Okay, this is going to be a quick random post like I think I've been doing recently or something. Gah, I don't Know. Anywho, I'm a huge Panic! at the Disco fan! And one of my favorite songs by them is the title of this post -

Build God, Then We'll Talk

Which I know what the lyrics mean thanks to song meanings , it's about a hooker, and a horrible cheating husband. The hooker gets caught by the police when she spills her bag while leaving trashy motel .. . but the music video is erotic, and I don't know different.

I've tried googling what the music video means, and even read some YouTube videos, but none were satisfactory enough.

So, I'm unsure who actually reads my posts nowadays, but whoever you are. Would you be ever so kind to watch this video and give me your perspective?

OH yeah, and sorry the video is uncomfortably sleazy :)