Expectations.

I wrote a poem, but it was wayy too personal for me to actuallly upload it on this perty blog here.
I don't know what I actually want to write about here, hmm. Think. Think. Think? I still don't have it, WAIT! I got it! :)

Expectations

I should start off by saying everyone has expectations, that if we're being honest now they usually don't come true. For example, tomorrow I planned on going to the movies with my bestfirend, and my close friend to see

Vampire Academy. Since I'm 13 ( will be 14, in May. Zinga! ) an it's a PG-13 movie I was expecting to go to the movies without parental supervison.

No, Mom. I do not want to hold your hand *dramatic grunt sigh*

I was also expecting my bestfriend to not have a fever, and for my close friend's parents to agree. I also expected my mom not to make a big deal about arrangements and what-not.

BUT, if you can't read my bitter mood by now. None, of my expectations are reality. My bestfriend has a fever, my close friend's mom said NO, and my Mother made a big deal about wanting to go inside the theatre with me to see what we'd be seeing, and a bunch of other garb. That we just shouldn't get into. Not now, atleast. When, I want to talk about something else revolving around this topic.

Boys

Being the teenage cliche` I am, I have to talk about boys. And my expectations for them, and theirs for girls in general.

I expect boys not to really like me, or want me in any way. Which is realistic, because no one has really looked at me like that recently . . . besides that guy a grade below me that knows nothing of personal space.

I expect boys to want skinny girls with long hair, nice white teeth, beautiful eyes, great personality, and to be . .. a pretty tanned white brunette girl. 

Isn't this gif, amazing?

I don't fit that category.

So, I don't think I'm in the mood to really go in to all my insecurities, believe me I have so many it's re-donk-ulous. Really. I know this because:

Colleen Ballinger the best person, like ever. Is insecure about things I have either

Never noticed

or

Am unconcerned with.

She's beautiful, amazing how could she be insecure about her

' stomach, nose, chin scar, singing voice, forehead, moles, eye color, long arms, acne scars, wardrobe'

And she is right, she probably was the only person who realised all her insecurities.

Anywho, continuing and wrapping up this rambling blog post. I expect just way too much, or just not enough. I care about people so much, and can be really self-less that it always hurts when my expectations bend over and force me to kiss his boot-tay. 

So, yeah. I expect no one to read this, and if they did to have gotten absolutely nothing from this video. But eh, like Grace Helbig says ' IT'S MY DAMN CHANNEL '

in my case this is my blog . . . so yeppers.

See you soon,

Danda Boon.

Smiley Face,

Ony

Is SCREAMO evil?

I've started listening to deathcore,heavy metal, screamo music, and I love it. If anyone is curious as to what that genre really is, well it's screaming.

Yeah, go ahead and cringe.

I never thought I'd start listening to that genre of music either.

But, I like it. I love that someone is able to yell for me. Yell in anguish, because they're overwhelmed with negative feelings like depression,suicidal thoughts, anger, loneliness . . 

I like having a distraction, I like being able to rid the world, to be forced to think of nothing but ' what the hell is he saying' when a band's screaming in my ears. Something about me is, I need distractions. I can never face my problems, my fears so I mask them with music. From 2012-early 2013, I obsessed over One Direction everything that was their lives so I wouldn't have to think of my cousin's death. Instead of seeing her face, or hearing the news of her passing everytime I blinked, I saw One Direction's face. But they're distractions started to wear off because One Direction was no longer a distraction or a mask of my pain, because One Distraction sort of became who I was 'yay'

Mainly, I like the sense of not being alone. I love having someone able to construe my emotions in song lyrics that I can listen to on repeat.

But I'm Christian.

My mother  is christian

And she banded me from my favorite band, of deathcore.

She told me the band was satanic, that the genre wasn't healthy for a 13 year old girl. That this genre will encourage suicide, and drug abuse. Then she finished off with telling me I'm band from listening to this band ( I'm obviously not doing that as, one of their songs are blasting in my ear as I write)

My mom wasn't the only ones disagreeing with my music taste, my friends give me strange looks, and my cousin called this music crazy. As well as cutting . . . and for the sake that perhaps someone dear to me might read this . .  I'm going to just drop the personals.

I've just been thinking is Deathcore,Screamo, music that's looked down apon . .that as a christian I shouldn't be listening to? I should say that the music I listen to, doesn't sing  scream any blaspemy. But . . . I suppose I should actually research now.

Now,these are the amazing answers I found :)

• 'The important thing to realize is that listening to a certain type of music won't condemn you, nor will NOT listening to certain types of music save you. Christianity isn't about a list of rules, it's about a relationship. It's about admitting that we can't do it on our own and seeking an intimate relationship with Jesus. Many Christians feel that certain music gets in the way of their relationship with God, so they try not to listen to it. Other Christians feel that God has asked them to give up listening to certain music and it's necessary for them to obey (disobedience will ruin the relationship). 
  
  But, some Christians never feel like music gets in the way, some aren't convicted of it yet but eventually as they mature in their relationship God will convict them of it. Some Christians aren't really in a deep relationship and aren't actively pursuing it and are what Jesus called "lukewarm". They don't feel music makes any difference, which it doesn't because they aren't close enough to Jesus to tell. 
  
  For me, I'm careful of what I listen to, but I can listen to secular music usually for a while without it bothering me (I don't pick up on lyrics anyway, it's strictly a right-brained experience for me) but eventually it will start affecting me and I'll turn it off or switch it to a Christian station. Certain music, though, I can't ever listen to because it weighs heavily on me.'

- Jonathan G 

• 'As people who have been saved by grace, we have a lot of freedom. We are free to choose what we watch and what we listen to. However, it is important to know what we are consuming and how it affects us. If the lyrics of songs are persuading you to a worldview that is not in line with Christianity, then you should consider not listening to it. If the style of music produces thoughts and emotions inside you that are not consistent with the Christian life, then stop listening to it. Just because something calls itself Christian, doesn’t mean it will be edifying to all believers. That’s where you need the Holy Spirit to help you make a wise decision.

Of course, this doesn’t just apply to heavy metal music, but all music.'

'I love metal. However, i have also been suffering psycological depression. I think my depression assisted my love of metal rather than the other way round, but it didnt really help either.

It was nice to know there were other… See more people who where thinking about the world the same way I was and feeling the same way i did, and having your emotional state played back to you in audible form is a really cool experience, but at the same time at no point did these artists go ‘hey, we’re feeling angry and frustrated and sad, lets do something about it’. Now, at that time I didnt think there was anything wrong with my mental state, i just thought life sucked. When someone figured it out and told me I was depressed, i didnt beleive them until i compared how i was thinking to the beyond blue checklist thing.

I heard one of the singers from good charlotte (not metal, but in a similar mental space) say that goiing to concerts and talking to other people who felt isolated and alone was great, and like going to a group therapy session (this i beleive was related to their song “black parade)

to a certain extent, heavy metal provided this for me. I felt, to a poiint, validated in what I felt and less alone, but at the same time nor was I getting better. I was wallowing in my depression rather than fixing it.

I’ve been going to a therapist for a while and feeling much better, and I still love metal. But I am also balancing it out with more positive music as well, which i can relate to better now I’m feeling more positive. Musics greatness comes from its emotional roots, but its important to be aware that anything you consume can become part of you.

I see metal as anything good really, its only good if consumed at the right time and in appropriate quantities.'

- http://joelamoroney.com/2010/04/29/should-a-christian-listen-to-heavy-metal-music/

• 'Opinion 1
  For exactly the same reasons anyone listens to any other sort of music, they like it. 
  
  Opinion 2 People listen to heavy metal because they are A. goth B. emo C. People with no friends D. People with no lives and who are depressed all the time for no real reason at all. Sometimes there is. But like many humans do they GET OVER IT! So...please do not listen to that overplayed pre-satanic, balistic, evil, stupid, and un rythymatic music. And for your answer, they listen to it because they have no real sense of music. Metal is not music. Its screetching guitar and screams of people with bad backgrounds. Jazz and r&b is music. It has life, rythym, a beat, and soul.
  
  Opinion 3 Agreed Jazz and R&B is good music... but Metal had it's roots from Jazz and Blues... so even Metal has "life, rhythm, a beat and soul"! 
  - The guitar is not "screeching", it's distortion... 
  - "Screams of people with bad backgrounds"? are u saying that only people with good backgrounds can be good musicians? If I recall Michael Jackson had one of the worst childhoods in history... he went on to become a legend... 
  - There are different sub-genres even in Metal... "screams" usually occur in the extreme forms of metal. 
  
  Opinion 4 People listen to Metal because it's their choice. Usually Metalheads open up to other metalheads because their ideas, no matter how crazy, are almost always accepted by fellow metalheads. 
  Metal is a way to release one's anger and frustration without actually harming anyone. 
  In my opinion Heavy Metal is one of the greatest genres in the music industry. 
  It talks about corrupt politicians, politics, third world countries and how they are exploited, the way people actually feel, anger, frustration, love, lust, violence, religion, and even death... in great detail! 
  
  Opinion 5
  I listen to Heavy Metal, and if you saw me you wouldn't think that I'm an emo, goth or any of those things, I believe that you shouldn't say a music is "not music" just because you don't like it, we all have our own tastes in music and that's the way it should be. "So please do not listen to that overplayed pre-satanic, balistic, evil, stupid, and un rythymatic music"what right do you have to say that? and it's not stupid, or evil or in fact any of those things, please think before you type and open up to other types of music. My dad taught me it's not right to say a music type is bad just because you don't like it, all you have to do is not listen to it. 
  
  Opinion 6
  I have a life, and I'm not goth or emo. I love any kind of music, and this includes: HEAVY METAL AND SCREAMO! 
  
  Opinion 7
  Personally I'm one of those people who listen to metal and metal only. I don't listen to most other music and I'm not satanic, crazy or have no friends. I go to a Catholic school and believe in god and stuff. Actually I got into this music because of a friend who also went to my school. I also listen to it because I don't feel like being one of the millions of white kids who listen to rap and pop just because its popular. I listen to it because I like it. 
  
  Opinion 8
  I love heavy metal and also believe in God and stuff! Actually it was my CHRISTIAN uncle and cousin who introduced me to it. They listen to because they LIKE it. I know I do.
  
  Opinion 9
  People listen to the music that they can associate with in some way, whether it be with the lyrics or the actual music itself. Not all goths listen to metal, that's a fallacy. And depressed people do not just get over it. Talk to a psychologist and find out how people are affected by depression before making that assumption.'

- wikianswers

Nice research, am I right? I think I'm just going to try to balance everything, not just metal music, but some positive stuff too so I'm not always in a depressing rut.

Smiley Face,

Ony

Wrong.

I've started going about this blogging stuff, wrong. I've been constantly thinking how I need to get a bigger audience, more followers A.S.A.P. So, I've been getting frustrated when no one was responding to my blog, because i was sure I was writing all the right things, when in all actuality I've been doing it wrong.
My blog is self-titled for a reason, because I like to think of my blog and I as one. So why is my sole purpose in the blogosphere is accumulating followers and comments.
So, I'm going to try to keep at blogging because it's fun, and I enjoy it, not because I hope someone would here me. Even if that would be nice :)

Good, Sad, Funny; 1st week of January!!

 Hello! Hello! Hello! We made it through the first week of 2014, and I think that's something to be excited about.

Am I right? Am I right?

And it's Sunday! You may know, ( but most likely won't since this is the second time I've done this) that every Sunday on this blog, I review it. Telling you the Good, Sad, and Funny.

Are you ready!?

Great!

The Good:

January! It's two-thousand-freaking-fourteen! Get all excited :)
Joshua Dtv has done vlogs all week!

I just had an epic dance party

The Sad:

She's not here to see it. The fact that my beautiful cousin isn't here to join in on the fun, hurts, and it will always. But I've decided that crying, and moping won't change anything!
Him and He read that blog post by clicking here

The Funny:
My sisters make me giggle. Tonight my seven year old asks my oarents if she can stay up longer during Winter break, and asked is 8:60 was a good time :p

Helplessly , Ineffective

 Helpless. This word pretty much sums up, how I've been feeling the last month to now. Right now that's all I can feel, like I'm this small little girl that can't even handle her own demons - that look like child's play compared to some - but wants to help everyone else.
If you couldn't tell by now, I'm in a web of emotions I can't handle. I usually write poems when I feel like this, but I'm not in the mood to tangle my emotions in metaphors.

I can't pick up everyone who's hurt and just hug and hold them until their pain dissipates.

The ones who are going through so much pain, feeling so unloved dealing suffering with depression, anorexia, bipolar-ism, anxiety and all the other mental distress. They're forced to live go through the notions with society - If they're still a minor, by law and can't skip school - being looked as an outcast,emo, loser, and just that kid , who everyone either stear clears from because :

 " That kid has issues, did you know he cuts himself" said by annoying peppy,judgemental, yet popular girl.

 " He does?" looks warily in disgust at the emo ," Ew. He's probably another one of those attention - seekers. Don't look at him, let's get away from people like that"

Or they talk about the kid, and make jokes of his problems :

" His Dad, died in a car-wreck last week, and he's forced to live with his b**chy aunt." The girl cups her hand around the 'popular boys' ear.

" So what, faggot. Grow some balls, my mom and dad died when I was three. But you don't see me making myself bleed. " The 'popular' guys say his words slashing throught the  emo's  heart. Then to top it all off he spits on him.

Maybe their aren't people THAT cruel, wait no their are moronic teenagers like that now-a-days. And that hurts.

Then there's me, and  - since I'm one in a billion and theirs 7 billion people in the world - 700 thousand people who feel like me. Who want to help them, to hold their hands and reassure them that their is life beyond this damn tunnel.

But if I'm going to make a post like this, truly tackling my emotions.

I'm definetly not a Saint.

I made fun of him, and I called he names like : phycho , and he should go back to Juvy.

 I was that girl, but then I started to recognize something different about him, when I was forced to by school circumstances  God to sit acrosss from him. I realized that their was something deeper about him, that he wasn't some weird Emo who draws evil.

I realize he was just a boy, a boy in pain crying out for help.

Now, him's my friend, Now I love him as the amazing person him is. Now, I encourage him not to loose sight, to not give up. Not to leave me. But, he still doesn't know how important him is. He doesn't know why he should really live, and he's just not seeing. And no matter what I say, and what I don't I can't take his demons away. Because I'm a 13 year old girl.

I just realised that he isn't the crazy guy from school who gives everyone a death-stare, who was put in juvy for beating the shiz out of someone. That he's not the jerk who called me all those name countless of times.

Well, he's some of those things.

I don't know him well,

so why should I pass judgement?

He is facing his own demons, that talk shit, and whisper just SHIT about him not people important. That encourage him to just give up on life, no one would care. No one would notice. But he doesn't know, that someone does. Maybe genuinely it's not me ( And my readers all groan and whisper B----) because I don't know him. But there's someone out there who does care.

Who is there.

I want to be there.

I need to be there.

Alot of you may not be religios but I am. I'm a wishy-washy Christian who feels like I failed God so much, that he's not looking at me . . . But that's another post, for another day.

I feel as if God presented him infront of me, to make a difference in his life. I'm not saying I'm just soo important. I'm saying I KNOW, God wants me to help him. I know I want to help him, but I find myself at loss of words so many times.

I can't even begin on the countless thought I've had

of me discovering him's dead. 

Discovering I wasn't good enough

That I failed him.

I

couldn't

do it.

BUT I'M A CHRISTIAN, AND A WRITER

Christians have the knowledge of God and his miricales.

Writers have a way with words, a way to silence a 

room with some well chosen letter strewed into words 

constructing inspiring speeches.

But, I don't know how to use those skills for good majority of the time.

Because I'm helpess, I'm too small.

I can't handle things, I've never been able to.

I scream, I cry, I get narly headaches, and feel like I need to pukke ( Right Now) when

I feel to much. Because I can't deal.

I'm helpless.

BUT

Then, I went online to looks at quotes of helplessness, and they all had something to do with people being to lazy to get up and act.

I am acting, I am doing things their just not big enought,

their not curing the pain I hear in 

him's voice.

There not making things better, that's where I feel like i

In many situations I feel like my words are being ineffectively, inadequate to help. But I'm going to keep trying.

- Ony

" I was born with a reading list I will never finish." - Maud Casey

Another book loving post, for anyone who didn't enjoy yesterday's post on my top 13 books/series of the 2013 year, I'm Sorry. But this is just how my blog is consisting of flip-floppy posts about what I feel like talking about whenever I feel like.
That definitely doesn't mean, I don't care about my now small audience that I plan on broadening. I care about what you guys genuinely think, so please leave comments :)

Now, to the fun part answering the questions I found on the Notebook Sisters blog.

1. What was your overall favourite book this year? (Yes. Pick one.) Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin.

2. Favourite debut(s)? (Author must have been first published in 2013.) A very hard question! I know it shouldn't be, but it is. . . I can't think of any authors I enjoyed that debuted in 2013.

3. Which books did you reread this year? So many! No More Wasted Time by Beverly Preston, The Memory of You by Laurie Kellogg, The Chose One Trilogy, The Hunger Games trilogy ( Too many times! ), Twilight series ( I've read those books too many times), The Grey Wolves series, and just too be honest a-lot more. I always re-read good books.

4. Favourite cover(s) this year! Limerick by Kimberly Spencer. Branded by Keary Taylor. Wicked Lovely by Melissa Marr

Beautiful cover, right! I took one look at it and new I'd enjoy this
slow pace annoying self-revolving female
protagonist, with an annoying needy
Fae Prince tale.

Her hair, is such a pretty color! And those eyes :)
I should re-read this story and give it another chance.




5. Worst cover(s)? This is hard! Uhm the Reckless Magic Cover

It could be better.

6. What self-published books did you read this year? The Grey Wolves Series, is self-published, I think.

7. Which book(s) gave you a massive hangover? Allegiant by Veronica Roth. It left a whole in my heart. Sacrifice of Love by Quinn Loftis, I swear she created that book to tear out my inside and place them back inside me all mushy.

8. Best standalone you read? Elsewhere by Gabrielle Zevin

9. Biggest book(s) you've read this year? The Heroes of Olympus books.

10. Book(s) you followed the hype for and then loved! My mom urged me into reading the Divergent Trilogy, she first recommended it in 2012, and I shrugged it off too invested in The Hunger Games and the rest of my lovelies. When I opened the book, read the first lines I knew I fell inlove.

Beautiful, captivating cover right!? I should
probably give this novel
another chance this year.

11. Most disappointing book(s) you read this year? Branded by Keary Taylor, it had too much potential! Limerick by Kimberly Spencer, the words in the book didn't hold as much beauty as the model on the cover.

12. Favourite leading-female character? Jennifer Alghelscu

13. Favourite leading-male character? Tobias Eaton

14. Best romance(s)? Tobias Eaton and Beatrice Prior , Tess Mathews and Tom Clemmins, then every single pair in The Grey Wolves series.

15. What book(s) hit the DNF list? (Did not finish.) Haha, It's sad that there are so many free books I downloaded this year on my kindle that I started and COULD NOT ( Yawn ) finish. One I specifically remembered was Rippler by Sydney Swanson, oh and Branded by Kinry Taveor ( once it started talking about Cupid and a bunch of other garb, and the fact that she never sleep ever was just unrealistic. )

16. What book(s) did you read out of your comfort-zone? Uhh, my comfort zone is any book with a lick of romance in it. And I do remeber there was one book that wasn't romace-based and I enjoyed the heck out of it... What was the name of the book!

17. Which author did you read the most from? Quinn Loftis, :D

18. Top 5 books you'd recommend from all the books you've read this year? Elsewhere , The Divergent Trilogy, and The Grey Wolves Series. ( Yes, I went over, don't judge me :) )

19. How many books did you read this year all up? This year was more on writing, so I did not read as many books as I would've liked. Maybe only about 35 - 50 books this year.


20. What's a book you're hugely excited for coming out in 2014?! The last book in The Grey Wolves 

Series, and Book five in The Heroes of Olympus series.

Part Two of this post where I answer questions related to writing will 

be up tomorrow! 10 a.m P.S.T , then next week 

on this blog may be fun-filled

with gorgeous beauty, girly crap :)

Smiley Face,

Ony

If you enjoyed reading my answers to these questions, but you'd like 

to see them answered by another teenage book-lover fanatic,

I encourage you to visit Catherine's blog A Stray Imagination

Want me to Guestpost/would like to Guest Post on this blog?
Email me at Smileyfaceony@gmail.com

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